Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Stress Release Freak-Out

Hello All –

My mind is overflowing and it helps for me to write things down to people and since we’re not telling the world (or even family beyond my mom) about Brian’s job until it’s official, I can’t post on FB or my blog so I’m doing here what I would do on a blog.

Currently, I feel as though my brain is made of two parts: Logical and Emotional. They are in a constant battle these days and usually the Emotional side wins, even if I know the Logical side will win the war. Does this make sense?

Last night I had a little itch on my face and glanced in the mirror and saw what looked like a bug bite staring back. No big deal. Not sure where it came from since I wasn’t just outside but, whatever. Then, I got another one and I was still not worried.

Then – a third one appeared that was bigger and looked like a hive. So, I proceeded to freak out. What did I eat? What could I be allergic to? My mom brought over pretzels she made, what was in them? Am I developing one of those adult on-set allergies that come out of the blue from eating something you’ve always eaten but hasn’t bothered you and now it is? So, I called my mom to see what she put in the pretzels. Turns out it wasn’t much: flour, water, yeast, brown sugar. Okay – can’t see being allergic to those. Then she mentioned that she noticed one on my face when she was here and figured it was a bug bite and it was around the time we were blowing bubbles with Cameron. So – I go grab the bubbles and look on them and there are no ingredients. I think it’s orange scent, glycerin and soap, right? Now I don’t know what has caused my hives and I have no adult Benadryl in the house. So, I call our 1-800-Blue Cross number and talk to a nurse there. She gave me the dose to take for the kid’s Benadryl (25mg – 50mg) so I popped a couple pills and waited. I put a cool compress on my face and layed (laid? – whatever) down in the bed. The face ones started to go away and then a new one would appear and then it would go away and then a huge one on my chest appeared and then it went away and I got one in my armpit. That’s it I have some toxin running through my bloodstream and leaving hives along the way. I waited to see one on my belly or my legs but they seemed to stop. Then, I posted on facebook about the hives and people mentioned stress and I thought GREAT – now I’m getting hives from stress. My stress is only going to go up and then I’m going to get hives all the time and be on Benadryl all the time.

Then I started wondering if they have Benadryl in Abu Dhabi? Then I wondered if I could still call my 1-800 Blue Cross number from there. I told Brian we would need to pack a medical box of stuff I’m used to from here to bring with us. Then, I started wondering what if they don’t have the Ibuprofen I like and what if they don’t carry the tampons I use and then my brain is whirring in a million places and Brian is staring at me like I’m crazy.

I took deep breaths. It helped a little. I laid (layed? – whatever) down a little bit more. I wanted to take a warm bubble bath but I read that it doesn’t help with hives. I wanted to take one of those muscle relaxants the doctor gave me for my sore neck – which is only a little sore but the muscle relaxants help with the sleeping. But, I didn’t want to take Benadryl and muscle relaxants and totally knock myself out so I didn’t. I think I might see a doctor about anxiety medication. Wait, anti-anxiety medication if this keeps up.

It’s been about 4 days since I’ve known and there’s still a little part of me that doesn’t really believe it. I really need to see some black and white papers that will confirm everything. Which may take another 17 FREAKIN’ DAYS to get here. My god. I keep telling myself I’m not stressed but when I think about everything I get stressed.

My logical brain tells me that everything will be fine. It’s an adventure. It’s learning a new culture. It will be good for the kids. I’ll meet new people. There are people that do this all the time. There will be people to help me with the transition. There are plenty of other Americans there. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah Freakin-Blah.

Then my emotional brain takes over and tells me I won’t know anyone and my friends won’t be there and my mom won’t be there and what if they don’t have food labels on their food and what if I can’t find a doctor or a dentist or gynecologist or pediatrician I like? What if there hospitals are really different and I can’t get in for appointments easily and what if the schools suck and what if it’s really expensive and what if I can’t find my way around and what if I get lost and no one understands English where I am and what if it’s so damn hot that I can’t take it and what if I get a really, really bad sunburn or the kids do and what if the kids don’t adjust and what if I miss home so much I can’t stand it?

Deep Breaths are only helping me so much over here.

I keep telling Brian that I’ll be fine because I think he’s a little worried about me.

I will be fine. I know I will. I need more information and then I can feel better prepared and more in control. I need to understand where our house will be and what furniture I can take with me and where the kids will go to school and how the doctors work over there.

I know crime is low so that’s good. Granted I told someone that and they said that’s because they cut off your hands there when you break a law. No they don’t and don’t say things like this because I don’t find it funny.

I start reading their laws and freak out a little until I realize it doesn’t apply to me. Adultery and Homosexuality are illegal and so is pornography. It’s not that I’m an adulterer or homosexual but the idea that it’s illegal is enough to cause me pause. I don’t have boxes and boxes of porn that will be confiscated but just that these things are ILLEGAL makes it different. I’m pretty sure that if I do something wrong I have diplomatic immunity but I don’t really know what that means. Well – I think I’m not tried in their legal system but does it mean don’t worry about what you do because you won’t get in trouble? I can look it up, it’s not a big deal.

Brian said my dresses are supposed to be at the knee and cover my arms in certain areas that I go. Oh my God, what if I don’t know what area that is and I wear the wrong thing and everyone stares at me and I offend people?

Wow – seriously on a freak-out rant right now. My logical side is aware and my emotional side can’t stop it.

It will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will work out. I know this.

I told Brian that some of the stuff that worries me would worry me if we were moving to another State too. We’ve never moved as a family beyond down the hill in Ferndale!

It will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will work out. I know this.

I might start mumbling that under my breath everywhere I go but that’s okay. I’m not crazy. I’m just trying to hold it together.

Okay – I feel a little better now. Thanks for reading – if you did. It’s really long and rambly. (rambeling? Rambling? – whatever)
I’m not going to bother and re-read what I wrote and fix anything so all my crazy is hanging out up there  But it’s okay. It will be fine. I will be fine. Everything will work out. I know this…..

Love you all,